


Thor Acquires a Lot of Animals and Tries to Ride Them

by mochisquish



Series: Thor Does Stuff on Earth [1]
Category: Marvel, Marvel (Movies), Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, The Avengers (2012), Thor (2011)
Genre: Comedy, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-25
Updated: 2011-10-25
Packaged: 2017-10-24 23:17:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/268988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mochisquish/pseuds/mochisquish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Back on earth, Thor continues his quest for living transportation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thor Acquires a Lot of Animals and Tries to Ride Them

**Author's Note:**

> [](http://chyldea.tumblr.com/post/11908918395/step-1-read-this-step-2-laugh-ass-off-step-3)  
>  With art by the fabulous [Chyldea](http://chyldea.tumblr.com/).
> 
> 10/12/12 - I discovered recently [Thor on a pink scooter](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mbnkxvciKK1qab1jso1_500.png) is an actual thing. Apparently I think like a 1960's toymaker. 

It was a dog large enough to ride, or at least Thor claimed such. He presented the dusty colored Great Dane to his new comrades, expected praise and jealousy and received a thick silence.

He announced again, “I have acquired this canine,” hand fanning out like a game show hostess presenting a fabulous prize.

Steve was the first to draw eyes away from the giant animal and up to its master. Tony merely cocked his head, brandy in his hand swishing and tilting in turn.

“Did you tell the owner what you wanted it for?” Blonde brows raised and blue eyes widened revealing the man’s disbelief though he tried so hard to keep his voice level.

“Certainly, I have no reason to speak untruths.”

“And they still sold it to you?”

The God of Thunder’s lips pursed, annoyed the reaction was the opposite of what he envisioned, which was something along the lines of ravenous petting (of his dog) and quarrels as to who would mount (his dog) first. He stated more forcefully, “Her name is Ducky and she is my steed.” Mortals could not be expected to understand the workings of a god, but they _were_ expected to be blindly accepting of their actions.

“I see horses on the street, ridden by the authority, but I am not allowed the same liberty?” He spoke now with great passion, an orator at a rally Steve and Tony did not agree to attend. “Dogs are everywhere and what purpose do the small ones serve? This is a working dog, a strong dog, a good dog.”

Tony ran fingers over his lips, slightly damp and sticky. “You need more like, a Saint Bernard. They’re robust.”

“He weighs 400 lbs,” the super soldier rasped, causing his comrade to re-angle his head to the opposite side. “He can't sit on a dog, he'll crush it.”

“He's not that fat, Rogers, damn.” A hand waved in Steve’s face as Tony encouraged, “You do what you want, Thor. This is America.”

Steve gave him the side-eye, watched as Tony took another swig and made a face as the liquid burned his throat.

“You wanna be president, go for it. You wanna ride a dog like a horse – that’s great. Country was built on ingenuity. Don’t let anyone come between you and your dreams, not this sourpuss -” he pointed to Steve whose face was scrunched in discontent, “not the laws of gravity – nothing.”

“Wise words, mortal.”

“No, they’re not. You can’t be president, you’re not a citizen. You’re not even human.” Steve huffed, added, almost as an afterthought, “Don’t sit on that dog.”

“I am fond of the philosophy presented; positive, free, ambitious.” A hand stroked the stubble of Thor’s beard, an action borrowed from well-groomed Asgardian historians and therapists on TV. “I shall mount this canine, then consider becoming ruler of your kingdom.”

There was a clattering of dog tags as Thor wrapped an arm around Ducky’s stomach, pulling her to her feet. A leg flew over her side and Thor bounced on his knees, ready to squat. The dog wheezed, looked back at her master with a blank, unknowing stare - so innocent and oblivious - and Steve swallowed hard as if witness to an execution.

Thor announced, “And so I ride!” arm rising towards the heavens and weight dropping swiftly. Steve shielded his eyes and even Tony found himself sucking in breath when the dog’s legs buckled and both went crashing to the floor. The air was filled with yelps and grunts as the two writhed, both flailing too much to untwist their tangled limbs.

Ducky scrambled, kicking and trampling Thor as she regained her footing and trotted away. Thor brushed himself off, got to his feet with as much finesse as could be mustered, though the frown on his face said his pride had been damaged.

No one spoke. Steve didn’t need to because he was right. Tony rested his elbow on his hand as he sipped his liquor, relaxing and enjoying the scene before him.

Ducky escaped halfway down the hall before being caught by Clint, whose first instinct was to grab a large, strange animal by the collar.

He met the group, inquired, “Hey, what is this?”

“A Great Dane,” was the blunt and irritated response from the disgraced Norse god.

“Yeah…”

“She is my steed.”

“She’s gorgeous.”

A smile graced Thor’s lips as he stressed, “ _Thank you_ ,” looking back at Steve and Tony to make sure they’d heard the other’s admiration.

“It’s nice, right?” the archer teased, catching the others’ eyes. “A regular Clydesdale.”

“Man of Steel!” Thor bellowed, receiving an unimpressed look from Tony. The engineer set his glass down, next to a machine and on top of a folder that was probably important and shouldn’t be ruined.

“That’s someone else.”

“Will you build for me a chariot?”

There was a pause then a shrug and a lazy, “Sure, I’m not busy.”

“You need those Alaskan mushing dogs,” Clint interjected. He gave Ducky a pat; couldn’t resist scrunching her skin until it wrinkled. “A pack of Huskies.”

Tony nodded his agreement. It all made perfect sense. “Go get me some.”

Steve’s head whipped to each teammate in succession; Tony, with eyes half-lidded, intoxicated and bored, Clint, preoccupied with petting every inch of the dog, and Thor, smiling brightly in excitement and wonder like a child, and he had to ask, “Why is this being encouraged?”

Steve thought he spoke loudly enough, though perhaps not since he was ignored. Clint about-faced and dragged Ducky with him, turning only when Thor called, “And a Saint Bernard to lead the pack!”

There was a thumbs up in response, with the same condescending enthusiasm given children falling over each other during a peewee league baseball game. “Saint Bernard, got it.”

__________

It was two hours – only two hours – Steve didn’t even know how that was possible - but now, two hours later, the room was filled with a dozen living dust mops, bouncing and squeaking and chewing and defecating.

Clint had thrown open the doors when he arrived back; spread arms wide in dramatic slow-motion as a herd of Husky puppies stampeded past.

Steve’s stomach dropped then churned and landed right-side up, and he felt a smile tug at his lips as tiny paws pressed into the tops of his shoes.

Tony leaned over his shoulder, said in a low voice, as if it was some dark secret, “Go roll around on the floor; I know you want to.”

“I do, but…”

“Is that one peeing?” His tone switched sharply as he stormed over to Clint, finger wagging at the offending animal then at his comrade. “I _work here_.”

The other man shrugged; obviously didn’t find it his problem. “Well yeah, they just popped out of the womb. You’ll have to train them.”

“They’re not going to fit in the harnesses.”

“It was more convenient to just buy a couple litters. So Thor has to wait a year, so what? Look at him, he doesn’t age.”

All three brought attention to the godly prince who regarded them back with a large, stupid grin and two animals in each arm, hugged to his chest.

He chortled merrily, “They are like large, warm rodents!” as one licked his cheek.

“Thor, you have to take care of these dogs now,” commanded Tony as he motioned to the entire room with a wide, flamboyant gesture.

The other’s smile faded and grip loosened, letting all four puppies tumble onto his lap. “You expect me to have responsibilities?”

“You already have the responsibility of looking after your teammates. Just add looking after dogs.”

Thor gave a half-hearted laugh that sounded more wary than amused. “The times I came to your aid were circumstantial. I did not realize it was a requirement.”

There was silence, expressions twisting as each Avenger processed the Norse god’s words.

He asked again, voice higher and more innocent, “It’s truly a requirement?”

Tony flailed his arms, a bit too manically to feign sobriety. “We’re a _team_ , of course it is!”

“I thought we were a boy band. I don’t know what that means. I thought it was different.”

“Oh my God.”

Clint laughed, said, “We could all be dead. All of us.”

“The iron man told me we were a boy band. What is that?”

Steve opened his mouth but Tony was quick to cut him off. “It was a joke, _Steve_ ,” he growled, though a bite of the lip betrayed his embarrassment. “Get these dogs out, this whole place smells like piss.”

“It already smelled like urine and vomit, you drink so much.”

Tony shook his head in frustration and warning, but Steve stayed his ground; remained unfazed.

“ _Someone_ better take care of them.” Clint fidgeted, afraid his name on the papers would translate into duty. “They need to be groomed and fed.”

The Asgardian prince came forward and spoke with greater confidence. “I will go to your zoo and find a large, dangerous animal.”

“You have to feed the _dogs_ , not feed them to something else.”

“You wished for me to get rid of them.”

“…This whole situation is really getting worrisome.”

Tony’s hand fell on the God of Thunder’s bicep and was quickly removed. “Look, Thor, buddy, you’re going to have to return the dogs or sell them. Can you do that?”

“I can do anything, mortal.”

“Just get it done before Coulson finds out.”

There was a second of hesitation before he replied, “The son of Coul gave his permission – and his blessing.”

Steve shook his head, spoke slowly, in great disappointment as if catching a child in a lie. “That’s not true, Thor.”

Thor’s eyes darted from Steve to Tony, both with stares judgmental, and he didn’t bother with a response, simply bolted for the door leaving the others to deal with all twelve of his new acquisitions.

If those men wouldn’t help, there were others that would, others like the angry green giant, who, when not an angry green giant, spent time as a sorcerer. Thor found him, alone and concentrating in a quiet room, never again to be a sanctuary after the doors crashed open and the warrior’s voice boomed through the air.

“Chunk!”

Bruce decided against looking up – what was the point – continued writing in his notebook. “Hulk.”

The other attempted to mimic, said, “Bulk.”

“ _Hulk_.”

Thor’s eyes narrowed, tired of being corrected, voice syrupy when he called Bruce, “ _Fat_.”

Pen hit paper with a smack as the smaller man grunted and lifted his gaze. “What do you _want_ , Thor?”

“I have need of a potion - one that will enlarge and enrage my Husky clan.”

“That is a terrible idea and I can’t help you.”

“Then provide a vial of your blood.”

He shrugged him off, thumbed his nose before returning to his work. “No.”

“A small vial.”

“ _No_. You can’t just ask for people’s blood.”

“We are a team. You must help me.” Thor gripped his shoulders, lips brushing his ear as words formed, hot and wet. “Help me, Chunk, I _need this_.”

Bruce twisted away, practically falling out of his seat in an attempt to put distance between them. “Go build a funeral pyre, I’m busy.”

“No one is dead.”

He spat, “Touch me again and someone will be,” body shivering like a bird drying its feathers.

Thor stood quietly, eyes boring into the dark-haired man, waiting for him to reconsider. When a minute passed and he still did not realize how clever Thor was, the God of Thunder grew tired.

“I see you are disgruntled and unwilling to part with your life’s blood. So be it. I shall take my leave.”

He did as promised without another word to Bruce, conveniently leaving the doors open and making the scientist struggle with getting up to close them.

__________

Over the next few days, it became a game, shoving puppies in the Avengers’ quarters and their work stations, annoying Tony and testing Bruce, all the while attempting to keep the pets away from Coulson. Steve took it upon himself to gather them up, make sure all were accounted for because it would be easy for one to become lost – starve and freeze or get in the way of weapons testing – and he just couldn’t have that on his conscience.

Thor pounded on his door. He could hear them; the American cupcake was keeping the dogs away from the mighty Thor, and it wasn’t fair because they were his. They were his.

He growled, “America! Return to me what is mine!”

Between the barks and yips and reinforced steel he heard a muffled, “You don’t even feed them!”

“I love them! They are necessary for travel!”

“Just do your spinning hammer thing.”

“I was told that was weird. People laughed; they laughed at Thor!”

“People used to laugh at me too. It doesn’t matter. Be who you are.”

“It’s not the same!” he lamented. “You were weak and unattractive!”

Steve stared up at the ceiling from the floor, hands reaching out to pet the dogs as they frolicked by. One climbed onto his stomach causing him to burst out laughing.

Thor’s jealousy flared and he yelled, “I’m going to break down this door then I shall break your neck!” He struck with bare fists, felt his skin numb and realized he lacked his hammer. Palms slid down the door as he fell to his knees and cried out, “ _Why?!_ ” making Steve bolt upright hearing the sheer agony and despair.

The super soldier was now staring at the door with fingers being nibbled and lap used as a makeshift dog bed. Sounds of metal scratching the floor alerted him to the Norse god’s departure as he crawled away broken and defeated.

__________

There were setbacks, but Thor was strong and resourceful. No one was going to laugh at him or tell him no. He would gather every animal on earth before ever giving in and after discovering places like the zoo and the circus he felt confident one of the animals there was destined to be his steed.

“Hawkvision!”

Clint had watched Thor come towards him and found the loud butchering of his alias unnecessary. “Hawkeye.”

“Come see my new steed!”

“What is this?”

Hands gripped hips as he proudly announced, “It is a tiny horse!”

The other’s eyes dragged up and down the animal, kept at Thor’s heel by a bridle and a rope. “It’s a pony. Where’d you get a pony?”

“The petting zoo. He is mine for four days and three nights.”

“You rented a circus pony.”

“Money was exchanged, yes.”

“Who are these people selling you things?”

“Is this not the correct currency?” Thor dug into his pocket, throwing crumpled bills onto the ground. “I attempted to barter with an ox but it was not deemed desirable.”

Fingers gripped the back of Clint’s head and brushed through his hair. “Where’d you get an ox? Where are you getting all this stuff?”

“I’m afraid I don’t understand why this is confusing for you. The iron man has many metal steeds.”

“Cars - which are socially acceptable in New York City. You wanna ride a horse to work you have to go to Kentucky.”

Thor shrugged, said gruffly, “Then I will go,” as if it was a challenge.

“Okay, go.” The archer grinned, couldn’t suppress a laugh. “Take your pony, God of Thunder.”

Thor would go. He would. He was absolutely going to do it and show the hawk man wrong. He was going to go as soon as he found out where he was going.

The pony clopped along beside him, drew prolonged glances from those he passed. At the end of a hall he spotted a face familiar, with that receding hairline and black, fitted suit. He galloped closer, in time with the pony’s own steps, yelling, “Son of Coul!” again and again until the two met face to face.

“Where is the kingdom of _Kentucky_?”

“Thor,” the older man greeted, taking his time before continuing. “Why do you ask?”

“I was told by the hawk demon my horse and I would be welcome there.”

“One of you would.” He glanced at the pony with hands folded neatly in front of him and stated flatly, “You can’t have that here.”

“He is mine until Tuesday.”

“If he’s here after Tuesday, he’s glue.”

“This agreement is acceptable.”

Coulson’s brows lifted when he asked, “Do you understand what glue is?”

“It’s not good…”

The agent shook his head, echoed, “It’s not good. Barton came by earlier with a Saint Bernard. Do you know anything about that?”

Thor attempted his best blank expression though his voice was thick with interest. “Was the dog larger than this horse..?”

“That is a pony, and it doesn’t matter, because the dog is gone.”

Disappointment washed over the Asgardian’s face as hope was repeatedly killed.

“Miss Romanoff is looking for you. I believe you’ll find her in the garage.” A buzzing came from the man’s nether region and Thor did his best not to stare below his waist. Coulson pulled out his phone and gave the screen a quick once-over.

“Leave the pony here. You can visit.”

“No glue?”

He lifted the device to his ear, assured, “Not till Tuesday.”

__________

The God of Thunder navigated through a maze of cars alone, most of them Stark’s and none of them breathing. The smell was thick and nauseating, not at all earthen and alive like horses and Thor wondered why the man bothered collecting things so ugly.

A swatch of red in the distance alerted him to the other Avenger’s presence and he made his way forward, hitting mirrors and scratching paint with his armor.

“I came at your behest, Spider Woman.”

Natasha turned; began the conversation with a sales pitch.

“Wouldn’t it be great if your chariot didn’t shit itself? Look what I got. It’s a mechanical horse, like Tony’s.”

She stood, one hand gripping the handle of a moped, other running daintily over the leather seat. Thor circled the strange machine, gaze flicking from the scooter to his comrade until he appeared utterly confused.

“It is much smaller…and purple.”

“The color of royalty.”

“Royalty…” he echoed, voice fading mysteriously. He added, in sudden revelation, “ _I’m_ royalty.”

“Yes. Sit down, take it for a spin.”

He lumbered over and plopped down, bouncing a few times and finding the cushion disagreeable.

“You look great. I think your hair will flow even with this on.” She plopped a round, silver helmet over his head, gave a shove to place it properly though a pounding began in his skull when blood circulation was compromised.

“Will this carry me to Kentucky?”

“Kentucky?”

“I must go.”

“What’s in Kentucky?”

“Horses,” he stated, “and acceptance.”

Hands gripped her hips and tongue wet her lips. “You can’t go to Kentucky, Coulson will have a bitch fit.”

“He will not. He is a disturbingly calm man. Could be possession.”

Natasha shrugged, finding this theory reasonable. She instructed Thor how to ride though wasn’t sure he was fully understanding or retaining any information. Baby birds had to leave the nest and Thor was getting thrown out now.

She started the engine and encouraged him to go for it – go fast, be free – and Thor went, right into Tony’s Mercedes. Tony’s Rolls Royce. Tony’s Bentley.

A smirk played on her lips as the God of Thunder repeatedly sped forward and was bounced back, hitting an obstacle course of luxury vehicles. No one needed that many cars.


End file.
